This morning I woke up and thanked God. The immediate thought I had following was that I need to get baptized. I don’t know why I came to that conclusion. I thought to myself, here I go, my mind is always doing the most, but as I made my morning tea, I wondered why shouldn’t I.
For so long, I have avoided attending church. As I have shared in my previous posts, I was a child who attended church every Sunday with my family. Raised in the Catholic faith, I was christened, had my First Communion and Confirmation all by the age of 13. Growing up, I would attend church because I had to. The highlight of attending church was attending Kids for Christ every first Sunday of the month where we did crafty activities and bible study, seeing my friends and listening to music. I never really understood the word of God passed the ones I heard from the children’s bible stories. That’s because I am a dreamer and always have been. I have always had a colorful imagination that kept me from the present. I don’t know when or why that started, but I don’t recall my life without it.
After moving back into my mother’s house after college, I think it was when I began to learn and understand the Word of the Lord. I had the option of attending, and unlike before, I wanted to go. I would visit a prayer group with my mom before going to work several times a week. It was fun, and it drew a bond between my mother and me. From then, that was our thing. We would talk about God together, pray, and go to church together. I even told my job not to place me on the Sunday schedule. Sundays I did overtime, but it wasn’t worth the time I spent with my mother.
After my mom passed, I spent years trying to find myself. It was crazy how I was so independent yet so confused. When attending my church, I would become emotional, so I stopped going. By the time I tried to participate again, the priest I adored decided to go back to the military to support the soldiers there, and I was left with a priest who I felt like judged me with his words during his sermon and he didn’t even know me. I hated the way he preached. I hate when people try to use the bible to make people feel guilty for their faults and flaw, so I stopped attending.
Over the past two years, I have been committed to prayer and meditation. I attended several churches, including going back to my own, but none of them felt right. My sister invited me to visit her church s beginning several times since the beginning of the year, but I had been exhausted from the stress of my new job at the time and decided that I would instead go home and go to sleep.
Yesterday, I sat still for about an hour. I thought about how my year began and how hectic 2019 was for me. This week alone has been a testament in itself. Stressed about having to go back to this new school come fall. Stressed to the point where I avoided people who I worked with even though they had treated me with kindness just because I didn’t want to think of that place. I prayed for peace in my life every day. I don’t believe in coincidences so bumping into an old friend and having a conversation about toxic workplaces was what I needed. From that conversation, I decided to apply for jobs, and this week was hired. No one can tell me that wasn’t the Lord working. I was afraid of leaving the convenience of my old job that I was willing to stay in a toxic situation. I was still fearful of what I was getting myself into, so I arrived at the school about 30 minutes early and interviewed people I came into contact with, and they had nothing but good things to say about it.
Although I may doubt myself at times, I trust God, I always have. He works in my favor. I was finally able to attend the church my sister invited me to, and I have a good feeling about it. I want to make it my own, and I am ready to recommit myself to this passage. This time no one is telling me that I have to do it. It’s me and what I want for my life. I am so grateful for every thing that I have. Tomorrow I depart for my week long spiritual retreat and I can’t explain how excited I am for it. It came at just the right time.
Living My Best Life means being the best version of myself, without caring about pleasing others. Doing it for me. It just feels right with my soul.